0451469607 (N) by Alexandra Petri

Author:Alexandra Petri
Language: eng
Format: azw3, mobi, epub
ISBN: 9780698155527
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-06-02T07:00:00+00:00

Time Traveler’s Yelp

Given my luck traveling in space, it is probably naive of me to think that traveling in time would be any less awkward. But what can I say? We all have our fantasies.

With space, the stakes are fairly low. You might wind up at a bad restaurant. But traveling in time poses infinitely more risks. You might wind up on the menu. Talk about awkward!

So as an aspiring time traveler, I found these Yelp reviews super helpful.

That’s right, the same guide that tells you to avoid restaurants where they were rude to User Karen (Average Rating, 4.3 Stars) is now urging you to steer clear of 1830 altogether. Among other eras.

PALEOLITHIC

User: John

5 Stars

Fun! Great diet! Killed a mammoth with my bare hands! Great if you like camping and the outdoors—lots of fresh food and water, great vistas.

User: Kate

1 Star

Hate it hate it hate it hate it

Guys went out clubbing and dragged a bunch of women back to cave. Nobody is really sure about what’s edible. Nobody in this era can draw. Lots of peer pressure to wear fur, which I didn’t appreciate.

Still not worse than 1812 though.

User: Ann

0 Stars

Guy asked me, using hand signals, to come back to his cave to see his etchings. He offered to etch me like one of his French mammoths. It looked nothing like me. Then he made me stay in the cave and cook his meat and tend his fire.

ANCIENT EGYPT

User: Jim

3 Stars

Fun, but not what I was expecting. Pyramids, which I thought would be a big attraction, weren’t finished yet. Egyptians just walked like regular people. Most information we have about this time is not correct.

User: Sarah

2 Stars

Ancient Egypt was okay. Drinks menu was limited. Not the best place to meet people. Reminded me a lot of the Internet in the sense that it was full of pictures of cats and people seemed pretty excited about them. Also lots of fun emoji. Still not sure what “Feather Squiggly Line Bird” means.

ANCIENT ATHENS

User: Sarah

3 Stars

I’d heard a lot about Socrates and the Socratic method but he wouldn’t really engage with me because I was a woman. Would not recommend bringing your kids here because everyone seems a little iffy on the age of consent.

User: Aaron

5 Stars

Love it. Love it. Great comedy. The chorus got old quickly, but the dude dressed as a giant penis totally stole the show. A+ would go again. Not recommended for the agoraphobic because lots of the most fun stuff happens literally inside an agora.

Everyone seemed to belong to some kind of fraternity.

BIBLICAL TIMES

User: John

1 Star

Like Medieval Times but so so so much worse. My wife got stoned to death. Even if you think you like the Bible this is not your scene.

ANCIENT ROME

User: John

3.5 Stars

Everyone talks a lot about how great the Roman aqueducts were and how wonderful their sewer system was, but it wasn’t all that entertaining. Good if you’re into nonstop toga parties. Colosseum was cool. Very realistic violence.

Also, Latin is not pronounced how we think it is pronounced.

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